on getting un-fucked


Reflecting on my 2 year soberversary (May 29), having just read Russell Brand's Recovery: Freedom from our Addictions, facing shadows individually and collectively, feeling tired of playing small and also just tired.

Somewhere along the way I've lost a bit of my confidence.  Along with anything else lost (known or unknown) on this journey of getting found again. 

I stopped drinking two years ago because I was tired too.  I had gone through periods of "21 day cleanses", "30 days of sobriety", "dry whateveruaries", "sober curiosity". (Thank you @thenuminous.) I wouldn't go so far as to call myself an addict, but something in me knew there was something better. That just because drinking is the societal norm, it doesn't mean that's the best (for me) or only way.  The same can be said for food or shopping or technology. I think for me it's been a lot about regaining control.

Things pop up in our lives to point us in the right direction if we're paying attention.  Or at least that's what I'm told.  One such thing for me was SBIRT - Screening, Brief Intervention and Referral to Treatment.  It's a validated tool used to gauge potential for alcohol misuse.  I was involved in a project at my day job in trauma to track its use and it brought me face to face with my own truths, along with the truths I'd been encountering on the last few years of my journey.

I'm not perfect (shocker).

I've made mistakes (human).

I've hurt people (human, again).

I don't always "live my yoga" (once more).

It's the clarity and awakening to these moments that open the next door for us - the opportunity to grow and do better.  I'm so glad I opened this one. 

Opening this door has allowed me to start looking at the shadows so I can work on being the light.  Which is another thing that keeps popping up - check out Sah D'Simone's podcast interview with Shaman Durek. The deeply informative Dana Balicki has delivered more than a few nudges towards the shadow into my inbox.  And recently this quote popped up on my feed:

There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
— Carl Jung

A big part of this, and I'm only just now realizing - a part of my wavering confidence - is the importance of forgiveness - particularly of ourselves and for our human flaws.

I'm ready to let that girl go - she is not the woman I am today.  I am grateful for the lessons she has brought to me and I'm ready to start this next chapter.

So what's next?  In facing our own shadows, we strengthen our light and bring that light to the dark parts of this world that need our gifts.  I'm still figuring out what, where, and how that will look for me but one look at this world, the headlines will show a thousand examples.  It is the responsibility of those awakening to lead the way, no matter on how small of a scale. 

In Recovery, Russell takes us through the quintessential 12 steps with his trademark wit and lack of BS.  The first step becomes "are you a bit fucked?" Followed by "could you not be fucked?". And so on.  

Working through this in my own way will be my next step.  Should be easy with 2 year's sobriety under my belt!

Find people and books and places and things that inspire you and #followyourinnercompass.

Deanna Fong1 Comment