Aaaannnnddd I’m back. 2018 really threw me for one final loop, literally in the final hours.
But I’ve taken some time to think and be and process the year a little more and start to get ready for 2019.
When I set out in 2018, my intention for the year was to get grounded. I had spent the last 5 plus years on this journey back to myself, yet I still felt like I hadn’t made much gains. I felt like I needed to build my foundation, and the idea of grounding along with strengthening my root chakra, Muladhara, made sense. (You can get a breakdown of all the chakras here - be sure to click the coloured links at the top right of the page for more details on each one.)
So I started the year practicing Ho’oponopono (I used the version as outlined in Crystal Muse - this is just an overview, so if you’re interested I suggest you do some research or check out the book.). The point of Ho’oponopono is forgiveness - of the self and of the other as we are one. I found this practice very powerful as a recovering perfectionist. To find peace with my humanness, rather than continue to torment myself with guilt and what ifs and should haves of the past.
I slowed down, I reconnected with family and the earth. I chose to work with a smokey quartz crystal and lovingly created my own mala combining the gem with lava rock and serpentine. I committed to, completed, and at times neglected, various prayer and meditation practices. This has been ever evolving for me, as priorities in my life have ebbed and flowed.
Over this year, and through these practices in line with strengthening my root chakra, I have learned that security is a big thing for me. I always kind of knew it, but I guess I finally really realized it. I like to know what’s coming so I can be prepared. I would rather save money and take care of things that need taking care of, but I somehow stopped prioritizing these things. Probably because so many other “adulting” things were demanding my attention, and I let it slip. But then it becomes a cycle because you don’t want to look at the problem lol. I realized I wasn’t doing myself any favours. My need for security was being ignored, thus I felt like I was losing control, losing power and causing myself more anxiety.
To be honest, most of these realizations came to me in the last few weeks of December. I think I had gotten to the point of being so worn out, that I couldn’t stop listening to the primal voice inside. I couldn’t ignore it or cover it up or tell it things were going to be fine, because she was done believing me. That was when I finally decided I was going to start living this part of my life more intentionally. I had already committed so much to living intentionally in other areas - I’ve been vegetarian for over three years and stopped drinking more than two years ago, so here was the next challenge!
But it’s not easy. I live in one of the world’s most beautiful yet unaffordable cities. Don’t get me wrong - I love it. My home is cozy and warm and modern and cute. I live a block and a half away from the ocean. I can walk to work at my incredible day job. My husband has a great job too, and our son goes to a great school. I am grateful. But it is fu*king expensive. Yes, some may say “why don’t you leave and live somewhere else?” And that may be the case one day, but for now this is our life. And sometimes you just want to live or treat yo’ self or take a little trip. That’s where the intentional part comes in. You gotta live with what you’ve got - and really we do have so much. So it’s a matter of really choosing where we want to spend those dollars, while still squeaking a little away to calm those security nerves. Not only that, but I want to find ways to give back more.
So, I feel good. I can do this, it’s just a matter of staying strong, staying intentional, reminding myself of my goals and what’s important, and sticking to it. I have a proven track record that I can do hard things.
So I learned a lot in 2018. And there were some victories! I paid off my student loan! I ran my second half marathon! I did 40 days of the Meditation for the Positive Mind and 80 days of Prosperity and Magnetism! I taught myself how to crochet again. I learned how powerful I am. I learned how to surrender. I learned to be ok with letting my giant, over-sized heart out, unapologetically. I learned to start being more open and vulnerable. I learned asking for and accepting help is ok! You may even be surprised when something unexpected comes along to guide you on the way. I am so blessed to have so many amazing people around me in my life to support me.
I also learned what I want to leave behind. I’m leaving behind the feeling that I am responsible for everything. I am not responsible for anyone else’s actions or choices. I am done feeling confused, lost or overwhelmed. I am done feeling exhausted and spent. I am done playing small.
I will continue to build on my year of grounding in 2018 to leave these things behind.
2019 is my year of Identity. This idea came to me serendipitously. An amazing woman named Sarain Fox appeared on my Instagram feed one day. From Sarain’s Facebook page: Sarain Fox is an Anishinaabe activist, dancer, choreographer and sought after stylist. Currently the host of RISE on VICELAND. She is also one of the co-hosts of APTN’s Future History. I admire Sarain for her strength and resilience. One day Sarain posted her TEDx talk, and on a sick day from work, I finally sat (lay) down to watch.
I strongly urge you to watch for yourself, but ultimately Sarain encourages us all to examine our own truth and identity in a very powerful way.
While watching Sarain speak, I had an incredible realization, much in line with my personal work over the last few years, that I was still struggling with my identity. And perhaps my truths at the very core of my being are what I am missing.
As a first generation born Canadian, I have always identified with this land. As a young girl, the woods and streams were my home. And while this is a huge part of who I am, there has always been something missing. I am forever grateful for my parents coming to this country, to give my sisters and I a better life. As I grow older, my soul is calling louder and louder for me to know who I was before I was born here. I feel called to merge my two worlds into my own truth.
With this in mind and while contemplating my approach to the new year, I took another look at the chakras and what would be next in this pathway. The second chakra is Svadhisthana - which translates to “the place of the self”. This Mindvalley blog post is another great source on the chakras - Svadhisthana is described as being “all about your identity as a human and what you do with it.”
So I’ve got my work cut out for me and I’m so excited!
I am going to recommit to my daily sadhana - whatever shape or form it takes. I am going to take care of myself - mind, body and spirit. I am going to take time to rest. I am going to work with my newly selected Carnelian (pictured).
I am going to mindfully and intentionally plan for my purchases over the year and plan for the unexpected too! I am going to be resourceful. I am going to care for what I already have. I am going to feel abundant by giving more.
I am going to continue to reconnect with my creative nature, and with the great Nature. I am going to spend time with the people who are important to me. I am going to run another half marathon!
I am going to investigate my ancestry and see how it aligns with my birth country, and delve into bridging my two worlds.
I am ready.
I am ready for knowledge of self, my truth, my identity. I am ready for abundance, for fulfillment, for creativity. I am ready for joy and adventure. I am ready to live big. To live the life I want, that I dream of.
I am ready.